Masochist: A Tale of a Turbulent Relationship
by hellishlygood
Summary: Matt is a masochist. He knows I am a fire that does nothing but scorch him, yet he wont ever leave. I am, in some ways a sadist, taking everything from him and only giving pain back. Yet I long to tell him those three words he so wishes to hear.
1. Prologue

**Hello, this is the prologue to my first Matt/Mello fan fiction. I hope it doesn't suck too much. It is full of good old angst and (of course) yaoi! If you do not like graphic male/male sex, swearing, violence or depressive writing, this story is not for you. **

**Set- when Matt and Mello are living together working on the Kira case.**

**Couple – Matt/Mello**

**Warning - Spoilers throughout**

**Summary – Matt and Mello are living together and sleeping together. Mello is the narrator of the story and describes how the relationship is damaging the love-struck Matt. **

**There IS a plot and there IS a lot of yaoi, just not so much in this prologue. **

**Reviews are adored and constructive criticism accepted. The more you review the faster I update.**

/\\\\\\\\\\\\\

I watch him whilst he is playing his video games. Strangely, it is during this particular activity when I take most interest in him. It should be during sex, when his eyes are pleading me for some form of affection; some gentle caress or kiss. It should be when he is sleeping, curling up to me, desperate for the closeness that I refuse him when he is conscious. I should take notice during our daily arguments, when he's ferocious and his anger finally is let loose like a beast; when his eyes reveal the hurt that his face is trying to disguise. Yet…it isn't then when I take notice. I take notice at times like now, whilst he is playing his video games. He is always too absorbed in the game to notice my probing eyes. I spent years not knowing why he playing his video games intrigued me so much. Now I know. Matt is so innocent when playing his game – so _normal_. This obsession of his predates his obsession for me. Video games are a part of Matt, not part of Matt that _I_ created. He is intelligent – extremely so. I reckon that the only reason L was not considering him as his successor was because Matt does not have the passion that little bastard Near or I have. Matt's passion is _me_… and video games.

Matt lets out a cough and smoke pillows out of his lungs as he stubs his cigarette out, eyes never leaving the screen of his gaming console. Yes, the reason why I love to watch him whilst he is playing games is because he is so normal then. He is Mail. Not Matt who is in love with Mello. He is so carefree and at ease. Playing games is the one activity that distracts him from loving me. I watch Matt like this as it is at times like this that I can really see what I am doing to him. I am stealing away any chance he has of a normal life. I am destroying him. One day will come when he stops enjoying his games because he is too miserable with loving me. I could prevent this of course, but I don't. I am too selfish. I want Matt because although I never show him any affection or treat him as an equal; I love having him around. I love having someone that completely devoted to me; someone who will not leave.

"Shit!" Matt exclaims as he is killed in his game. I am startled out of my reverie.

"Why do you play that shit when it gets you so angry?" I drawl and roll my eyes as if the sound of the music is annoying me. Truth be told: it is. Every time I hear the jaunty tune of Mario Land, I feel guilt wash over me. I feel guilty that I am preventing him from being happy.

"Why do you eat chocolate when it makes you fat?" he replies clearly pissed. It is hard to tell if he is pissed at the game or pissed at me.

"Matt, I am quite clearly not fat. Now, are you done? Let's get on with the case," I reply, rolling my eyes.

/\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

Matt and I have been living together for months now. I left for a bit. Watching Matt play video games had upset me too much. I had decided that I would be kind – for once – and do what was best for him; leave him alone. We had been fucking for about a month. This intimate relationship was hurting him, so I left. Then that fucking explosion tore half of my face off. I couldn't stand to look at myself. I am vain, I will admit that and seeing myself all disfigured and scarred; I could not stand it. So I came back here to Matt. I knew here I would find someone who would still love me despite the scarring. The Kira case is moving at a painfully slow pace and it feels like days and weeks drift by unnoticed. Days filled with arguing, researching, infuriating news from Near and – of course – fucking. However, there is not _just_ fucking. When I come home from another failed task Matt kisses and hugs me and reassures me that I am beautiful and better than Near. I never return the favour. I take every inch of what Matt offers me (and he offers me the universe and his soul) whilst giving virtually nothing back.

_Thump! _I hear something slump to the floor and muffled sobs echo, half hidden by a depressingly emo song playing in the next room. I stand up, almost in a trance. I have been thinking and analysing things too much recently. It is bringing me down. I tug up my leather trousers which have fallen low on my skinny hips and walk slowly towards to source of the music.

"_**Love of mine, **_

_**Someday you will die**_

_**But I'll be close behind**_

_**And I'll follow you into the dark"**_

The familiar lyrics become louder. Matt has been listening to this song most days for a week now. I grasp the door handle – which is loose from the many times I have slammed this door too hard or wrenched it open in lust – and turn it. The door opens with ease to reveal Matt slouched on the floor. His striped shirt is hanging of one of his shoulders and he has wrapped the vest around himself tighter. His goggles are off – a rare sight – and his eyes are puffy and red. I hover in the door way. I could go over to him and comfort him. Tell him the three words he is so desperate to hear. Tell him how much I appreciate – no, need – him. I could turn and leave, save him from myself. Stop being the drug that entices him until it kills him. There are many things I _could_ do. A better person _would_ do them. I don't. I sigh and shake my head in confusion? Hopelessness? I smash my fist against the CD player and the music stops. I leave the room and fall into a restless, dream filled sleep. When I wake up, Matt already has made me a cup of steaming coffee and a bar of chocolate is on my bedside table. His goggles are on again, covering his green, pained eyes and he has pasted a smile on his face.


	2. Chapter 1

Thank you for the lovely reviews

**Thank you for the lovely reviews. I decided to work harder and get this chapter done ASAP due to them. Sorry that this chapter does not contain any hardcore yaoi yet but trust me, later chapters will ;) I am just trying to build up the atmosphere at the moment and reveal what their relationship really is like. **

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"Misa-Misa adores Mogi's cooking!!" the irritating voice rang out through the speakers. No wonder I am bored, I spend my days listening to this insipid _girl_.

"There is no fucking way that this girl is the second Kira!" I said incredulously.

"Hmm?" Matt replies. I can hear his PSP bleeping. The bastard isn't paying attention to me or his task of watching Misa Amane.

"MATT!" I yell, infuriated. The game is put on pause as Matt jumps slightly in shock.

"Jesus Mello, what?!" he finally takes notice of me. His somewhat overgrown hair is hanging into the lenses of his goggles and he has to tilt his head up to see me. I can't deny that his shaggy hair is absolutely gorgeous.

"Stop playing that fucking game and watch Misa Amane like you are supposed to!", I order, emphasising my anger by chucking a pack of his cancer sticks at him. He opens the packet and pops on in his mouth ever so calmly.

"Alright, don't get your knickers in a twist; it isn't like she actually _does_ anything. She may have been the second Kira before but she isn't now," Matt repeats what I had just been saying. I roll my eyes.

"You don't say?" I reply sarcastically. "And put that thing out, do you know how sickening it is to kiss you when you taste like an ash tray?" I say cruelly. Truth be told, I love the taste of Matt. The smoky scent is a bonus, not at all like an ash tray. However, I do not like him smoking; smoking _does_ kill after all and I want Matt around for as long as possible. Hurt flashes across his face.

"Fuck you, you don't have to kiss me," he says rather emotionally and stands up, stubbing the cigarette out and heading towards his room.

"No Matt, _I_ fuck _you_," I reply coldly, not taking my eyes off the video of Misa Amane eating food.

"Well you aren't fucking me from now on Mello, how about that?!" he screams. I have hit a sore spot; he has gotten emotional very quickly. I know that he doesn't mean it; as long as I want to sleep with him, he will let me. Yet, I do know that Matt has terrible sulks. He will be grumpy for days and hold up this little sex strike unless I resolve this now. I get up and face him. His face is flushed in anger and he has left his vest on the floor, leaving him just in his trademark stripy top.

"Matt…" I say in a sultry, low voice, walking towards him. He still looks mad and is refusing to give into my little trick. He crosses his arms and taps his foot in impatience. I reach him and my hands grip his arms gently, unfolding them and putting them by his sides. "But I want to fuck you baby…I like that you're my little ash tray," I say with a small, cheeky smile and my smile visibly weakens his resolve. The corners of his mouth tug up slightly in a smile.

"Do I…" he starts to ask me if he tastes like an ashtray or not but stops himself as he knows I hate girly, 'couples' conversations like this.

"No," I reply anyway before leaning in to suck at his bottom lip. All his resolve dissolves as I gently probe his accepting mouth with my tongue. As soon as I hear a small moan – no, whimper – of approval I back him up against the nearest wall, slamming his back viciously into it. His eyes open in slight shock as I grasp the back of one of his thighs and wrap it around my waist. Our hips are perfectly aligned together – tight leather against denim. My hands come to rest on his hips and his hands tangle in my hair, pulling my lips closer to his. He gently sucks my tongue into his mouth and gives a gentle bite. He knows that drives me mad. I grunt and shove him harder into the wall, our hips crash into each other's and he slides further up the wall so I am pretty much supporting him. His lips trail to my jaw and neck where he licks and suckles.

"Do you want me?" I ask huskily as my hand worms its way between us to rub his hardening bulge between his legs. He whimpers (a sound that sends shivers of heat straight to my throbbing groin) and my leather trousers suddenly seem so much tighter. "Well? Do…you?" I gasp between kisses and this time I grab his firm, supple ass hoisting him up against me.

"Y…yes," he stutters, his mind fogged with lust. I carry him into his room hurriedly and clumsily before chucking him on the bed. I climb on top of him in seconds and rub our erections together. The friction between us sends my muscles into spasm and Matt arches his back in ecstasy.

"Do you…love me?" I ask panting as I shove up his shirt and lick my way around his stomach, my tongue darting into his navel.

"I love you," he replies with such conviction that my erection softens ever so slightly. I push all thoughts out of my mind and pound the moaning boy until we both find sweet release. He comes first, with my name tumbling from his lips and me seconds after, shouting obscenities.

/\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\


	3. Chapter 2

Hello everyone, thank you for the reviews

_**Hello everyone, thank you for the reviews! I really, really, appreciate them. I know it was short and I am sorry! So here is a much longer chapter for all those who reviewed and who added this story to their favourites/alerts. **_

_**Nikki: yes I agree I never could imagine their relationship as one of those normal 'I love you' sissy ones.**_

_**Flamablechoklit: yes, that is exactly what I was aiming for really. I will elaborate this need to ignore the 'love' later in the story **_

_**Crazy Little Feline: Ha yes, I was aiming for that sad/angry feeling! Hope I don't depress you too much XD And no need to worry, it does indeed get a little nicer, keep your hopes up!! **_

_**Syberia Winx: added you to my new email ;)**_

_**Narni4eva: thank you!!**_

_**WARNING: Mello makes many homophobic comments in this chapter. I do not wish to offend anyone and these are NOT my opinions. I just think they are crucial to the plot. Please do not take offence.**_

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I walk along the busy streets listening to my leather boots smacking on the clean pavement. I crunch at the newly unwrapped chocolate bar in my hand It is cold today; I am attired in my full leather outfit; the jacket and all. Shades are still covering my eyes. I had to keep a low profile whilst following Mogi. He returned to Aizawa and there has been no change in the killings. Misa Amane is not the second Kira – I am certain of that. However, I cannot help but ponder over the character of Light – Amane's lover. Souichiro Yagami has a son called Light. From what I heard Near say, I have deduced that this Yagami Light is the fake L. My phone rings and again I am ripped from my thoughts and deductions.

"What happened Matt?" I ask immediately. He explains to me that he cannot quite hear what the two are saying but describes their expressions to me.

"I understand. Keep an eye on them and then meet me at the bar on Readen's Street okay?" I say. God – and no, I do not mean _Kira-sama _– I need a drink.

"What are we going to that bar for?!" Matt asks. Sometimes his inferior intelligence does show through but admittedly rarely.

"Cause I need a fucking drink and a good time, alright sweet cheeks?" I spit down the phone at him. I can almost see him flinch.

"You need to chill out more Mello, with all your leather and your anger, you are starting to look like a dominatrix," he retorts. I have to hand it to him, it was a good answer.

"You have such a kinky mind Matt," I say with a small chuckle. He returns the laugh. I open my mouth to say something; something sweet; something to thank him for staying with me and doing this case with me. Yet, I hesitate and instead mumble bye and hang up. I take an extremely gluttonous bite of my chocolate and crunch it for comfort. The sweet taste fills my mouth.

I walk along the bitterly cold streets to find the sleazy bar. The neon lights shine out to alert me it is open. As soon as I enter, the scent of tobacco, sweat, and alcohol fills my nostrils. An unpleasant but somewhat comforting mix of aromas. I like places like this. They are so fucked up they suit me. I plonk myself down on one of the barstools and wait for my lover to join me. The bartender (an aging queen) asks me what I want to drink whilst batting his false eyelashes at me. I grumble out my order and he seems to get the hint and leaves me alone. I hate the gay scene really. All of those disgusting sinners, wearing heels and make up, distorting the image God gave them. All these stupid fags, do they not realise they will end up in hell? My rosary seems to sear my skin, hanging heavily around my neck. I gulp down the bitter alcohol the bartender brought me and shut my eyes. Why do I still wear this rosary? God must hate me as much as I love fucking men. Maybe this – this fear of being sinful – is what is keeping me from opening up to Matt. Maybe not. Maybe it is the fear of rejection. I am never best - always second to Near, not good enough for my mother so I was sent to the orphanage. If I let myself love Matt, if I show him my whole soul, surely I won't be good enough for him either. At least I used to have my looks, now those are ruined by these revolting scars. If I let myself love Matt, he will just leave and no matter what any philosophical fool tells me, it is not better to have loved and lost. It is better to have never loved at all. I raise my eyebrows and let out a smirk at the so called 'act of love' is preformed by two men behind the bar. You know you are in a seedy joint when people are fucking right in front of you.

"Care to give them a run for their money?" an alien voice whispers heavily into my ear. I turn to see a man, late twenties, dressed in jeans and a tight tank top. He is good looking, but nothing special. I smirk and offer him the seat next to me (Matt seems to be late anyways). "What's your name?" he asks.

"What's yours?" I reply and gulp down another shot of fuck knows what!

"Ha, cheeky one huh? It's Jacob," he says with a hearty and drunk chuckle.

"Mello".

"What brings you to the club of lost souls?" he asks with a wry smile. He gestures to the sleazy bar.

"Lost souls eh?" I ask.

"Yes, no one comes here unless they have serious issues, it's a well known fact," he replies casually.

"Guess that sounds round about right. What're you here for then?" I ask, turning towards this man, now more interested.

"Killed a man who loved me," he replies so monotonously that I almost jump. It takes a lot to shock me, but his bluntness does.

"How do you know I wont go to the police and tell them that?" I ask but there is not a hint of threat in my voice.

"I don't," he replies and his eyes meet mine. I am filled with an inexplicable sadness as I stare into his dark brown empty eyes. Is this what I am someday destined to be? A lonely killer? My hand comes to his cheek and I pull his lips to mine. The kiss is brusque; short. Not short enough; Matt – who had coincidentally just entered the bar – sees. I can notice from the whole way across the room that is eyes are tearing up. He places his goggles back on and storms towards me. He sits himself down next to me without a word, orders a drink and stares forward.

Damn it! Why did he have to come in just then? It wasn't like the kiss meant anything. Both Jacob and I could tell him that. We were both mourning over someone else and found solace in a stupid kiss. That was it.

"You know, it would be nice if you had the decency to tell me this was an open relationship," Matt says through clenched teeth.

"Don't…" I start but Matt has stood up and disappeared into the crowd before I can finish my sentence. I sigh and order another drink.

/\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

Twenty minutes have passed and I still am rooted to my stool and I still have not seen Matt. I decide that I'd better go look for him. I stand up and head over to the toilets. I push open the door and I see Matt on his knees servicing some random guy. My eye sight fogs and anger seethes through my veins. In an instant, I am grabbing Matt's arm and yanking him off the man. The oaf starts to complain that he hasn't come yet so I throw a punch to his nose for good measure.

"We're going home," I inform Matt and drag him outside. He follows obediently but moodily and I walk in a stony silence.

"_You_ are angry at _me_?! This is fucking ridiculous Mello. You were the one who started this!" Matt shouts and a few people on the street turn to look at us.

"Keep your voice down," I grumble.

"Just how many people have you been fucking behind my back Mello? Two? Four? Fifty?!" Matt asks, his hands tugging at my leather jacket so I have to look at him.

"None, it was just a fucking kiss. I wasn't the one sucking off a stranger in a toilet and contracting AIDS," I reply.

"He was wearing a condom!" Matt scoffs. "And don't try and turn it on me, since we started this sick little thing I haven't touched another man until tonight!" he continues and suddenly I come to an abrupt halt. I spin around to face him and he looks shocked.

"And I haven't ever fucking touched another man apart from a chaste kiss tonight. You don't get it do you? I am not homosexual!" I whisper angrily. His mouth drops open in disbelief.

"Not homosexual? Don't kid yourself, you've been fucking me for months!" He replies.

"Why can't you get this? _You_ are the only man I have ever liked! _You_ are the only person I have ever fucking liked! I am not fucking homosexual. The only person I have ever thought about sexually is _you_!" I am whispering but my voice gets louder and louder. I know I will regret what I am saying tomorrow. I promised myself I would never reveal this to anyone but alcohol and emotions are confusing me. Matt stops dumbfounded.

"But you've had sex with others?..." he asks sheepishly. I shake my head. "Nothing?" he asks in shock.

"Just with you and that one chaste kiss with a stranger in the bar which was just cause I felt sorry for him!" I reply honestly. He says nothing for a few seconds and I turn and carry on walking. A few moments later I hear him running to catch up with me. His gloved hand encases mine.

"I'll never touch anyone else again…I promise," he whispers to me. "It will always be only you," he continues. My stomach gives a happy lurch and I smile despite attempting not to.

**PLEASE READ AND REVIEW :D:D:D**


	4. Chapter 3

I really want to thank everyone for the amazing reviews

_**I really want to thank everyone for the amazing reviews. I never expected to get so many and I never thought anyone would even like it! Thank you so much, they really mean a lot to me as I like to know if other people enjoy the same twisted characters as I do :P**_

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"Mello", Matt says with a little laugh. I am scrambling through a drawer, searching for a disk. When I find it I rip it out of its case and run, full speed towards to computer. I press the button on the drive furiously and groan when it does not open fast enough. I shove the disk into the slot and shove the drive closed, not even waiting to bother with the button. The mistreatment of Matt's computer causes him to stop seeing any amusement in the situation. "Mello! Slow down!" he gasps in horror. _Silly boy really!_ I think. He cares way too much about computers and not enough about winning. The keyboard bangs and clashes against the surface of the desk as I punch the keys with nimble fingers much harder than necessary. I **have** to move fast. I wasted time last night; going to a bar! _What_ was I thinking? Data uploads onto the screen and my eyes scan it at record pace and then I am jumping up and running to search for the next disk. Papers scatter across the room as I rummage desperately through the drawer.

"Disk 3! Aha!" I yell in triumph before turning to shove this new disk into the computer. I am almost panting with the effort. I have been at this for three hours now. I woke up especially early today. I need to move faster, I need to push myself further. Most of all, I need to beat Near.

"Mello! Slow the fuck down, really! You are gonna break my disks!" Matt stands up and tries to pry the disk off me. He lets out a surprised gasp as I shove him to the side and he lets himself fall to the sofa. "You little bitch! That hurt!" he yells outraged but I barely register what he is saying. My blood is pumping and my mind is working; the clogs turning at a phenomenal pace. CD-Rom. Data. Eject. CD-Rom. Data. Eject. The pattern continues. I don't apologise to Matt. I don't think of Matt. Hell, I don't _see_ Matt. All that I see is data, facts and somewhere – somewhere! - must be the solution. Matt speaks again and his voice has softened and is cautious; like he is talking to a psychopath or a child. "Mello, babe, you need to slow down, you are gonna break something and then wont get anywhere," Matt explains gently once more trying to get out of his seat. I turn to face him this time and he looks worried. My eyes have misted over, clouded with a passion that has been deep inside me this whole time. The same passion that has caused me to join the mafia, to burn half my face off and to murder. **The passion to ****beat**** Near.**

"The answer is here somewhere. You are good with computers Matt, you tell me, go on. You like me better than Near. You tell me the answer. Come on Matt, for me!" I say, fixated and Matt's eyes widen in confusion and he lifts up his eyebrows. He leans towards me slowly.

"Mello calm down," he says but his voice sounds distorted. I am not paying attention to him. My mind is betraying me and pulling me back to a memory:

--

_It's finally the day. Finally. I have waited so long for this. I need to find out my results, I need to find out if this year I have come top of the class. This year, have I beaten Near? I'm feeling confident. I studied for months for this. As soon as I woke up in the morning I would hit the books and I would still be studying by the time it was lights out. Matt helped me of course. Even Matt told me I knew everything and that I would do excellently. I must beat Near this year. Yes, I will beat Near! I grin wildly as Roger comes to the front with the piece of paper. Matt notices my grin and looks worried. Why is he worried? I am good enough! I _know_ I will beat Near. He should believe in me. The marks are being read now. I wait, my grin growing wider, almost manic. _

_"Matt: 145," Roger says and I give Matt a thumbs up. _

_"Mello: 157" Roger continues. My hands are shaking and my grin widens further. That is the highest mark so far! The highest I have ever gotten. A few more names pass._

_"Near: 159, well done, top of the class!" Roger congratulates and my eyes widen in panic. This must be a dream! I lost? I lost again? I worked so hard! So fucking hard! Matt is glancing at me oddly. He finds my obsession with winning petty. He doesn't get it. No one fucking gets it! I've lost again. _

--

"MELLO!" Matt yells and slaps me hard on the cheek. The sound of his palm hitting my skin echoes around the apartment. I am brought back from my memory and I stare at him in shock. He never hits me. Matt is never violent; I am the violent one. "Now listen to me Mello, you have to slow down, listen to me..." he is ordering but in a kind tone. My eyes still are wide in shock. He leans in to kiss my stinging cheek better and his lips do seem to soothe the burn. "What's wrong?" he asks although I get the impression he knows what is wrong.

"I'm not working hard enough…Near's gonna win. Oh fuck! Near's gonna win!" I grumble and slam my fists again the floor in a tantrum. Then the worst thing possible happens. The worst thing I could ever think of. Matt doesn't deny it.

"Mello, you're amazing. Managed to get further on this case than most people could ever dream of getting! So what if Near wins?" he asks gently rubbing my arms. I look straight into his eyes.

"You think he's gonna win," I gasp. "Well fuck it Matt! I might as well give up now if even you aren't on my side!" I pull away from his grasp.

"No! No Mello, I didn't mean that!" Matt says desperately. "Where are you going?!" he asks desperately as I stand up.

"I'm gonna go to bed. I don't want to work anymore. I'll let Near win," I say dramatically and open my door. I then ask something that I have never asked before. "Come lie with me please?" Matt is always the one to initiate and intimacy. I mean, yeah I would initiate sex if I was horny but never something like this. Matt's mouth is open in disbelief.

"Mello, come on, carry on with the disks, we need to carry on with the case!" he says. I shake my head and hold my hand to him waiting for him to take it and lie with me. He doesn't. "Well if you aren't doing the case, then I am!" he says indignantly, ignores my offered hand and sits at the computer, continuing the task I abandoned. I slam the door shut in frustration, shove my face into my pillow and sob like a child.

/\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

I open my eyes at look at the green numbers on the digital clock. 3:03 am. I must have fallen asleep. My eyes are sore from crying and I let out an angry sigh. Crying; so weak! Then Matt's words and refusal enter my mind again and my eyes well up with tears again. I get up quickly, rub my eyes furiously and sniff, getting myself together. I need to go yell at Matt. I open my door and turn to head towards Matt's room but am stopped in my tracks. Matt is still awake, still typing at the computer.

"Why the fuck are you still doing that?! I told you I quit the case!" I spit angrily at him. He doesn't turn to face me or show any sign of shock, he must have heard me open the door.

"I'm not letting you do that Mello," he replies calmly, without taking his eyes off the screen. The blue-green light from the computer gives Matt an ethereal glow.

"And why the fuck not? I think earlier you were the one saying that Near would win!" I say dramatically. I am putting words in his mouth but I don't care. I am fucking pissed.

"I never said that Mello. I know you. Whatever you put your heart to, you can achieve. That's why I am not letting you do something as dumb as quitting the case," he replies, still as calm and collected as ever. I stride over to him and spin his chair around so he has to face me. Face my fury.

"Well clearly I'm not going to win! I know fucking nothing! I'm fucking losing!" I yell into his face, my hands on each arm rest, trapping him in the chair. This is the first time he shows emotion. He smiles.

"Well…actually…you know everything Near knows," he says calmly, his smile widening. I pause and look at him confused.

"Care to explain?" I say sarcastically. He simply gestures towards to computer screen and I turn my attention to that. There are two videos of high tech rooms on the screen. At the edge in another window was someone's email account. "What the…" I whisper to myself.

"The two videos are of the SPK headquarters. I could only get two cameras in there because they are cautious fuckers. The email is Near's account. He saves himself memos in it. This hack wasn't easy to get I will tell you and I had to pay some professional bugger a hell of a lot to get the camera inside the building," he continues and something flutters in my stomach uncontrollably.

"All of this? Tonight?" I asked dumbfounded.

"Yep. You're smarter than you think; in all of the data you had collected on Near…" he points to the many disks I had been observing earlier. "…was one of his passwords. It was just to a shitty account but from that it was easy to get the other passwords and hack him," Matt explains. A flash of annoyance runs through my veins as I realise Matt managed to spot the password whilst I hadn't but it quickly subsides. Near and I were evened out now. He may have had all that fancy equipment that being L's successor gets you but now I knew his secrets! We were even! I smile wildly and Matt's eyes light up at the sight of it.

"Thank you," I say sincerely before pressing our lips together gently. His respond eagerly. "Thank you," I mumble pecking the side of his mouth, carefully avoiding letting our lips properly touch. "Thank you," I whisper finally and allow our lips to join together gently. The kiss is gentle and sweet and Matt groans at the feel of my tongue swiping over his bottom lip, asking for – but not demanding – entrance. He happily obliges and I gently search his warm, sweet cavern of a mouth with my tongue. He tastes…wonderful. My hands come up to tangle in his hair and m thumbs brush his cheeks.

"Mello," Matt sighs contentedly as my lips trail from his lips to press gently kisses to his cheek bones, nose and eyelids.

"Mail, I want you," I whisper. It isn't so much a statement as a question. I'm trying to thank him silently through my actions. Hoping, praying he gets the message. He nods ever so slightly, his hands shake and his eyes are wide as he brings his arms up to wrap around my neck as I hoist him up from his seat. His long, thin limbs wrap around me as I carry him slowly to my room. Our lips are connected the whole way, nipping, licking, sucking at each others. Our tongues entwine again and I let out a groan and lower him onto the messy white bed sheets. I stand at the foot of the bed between and look over him. I lean forward onto one hand, pecking him on the lips and letting my long blonde hair fall forwards like a curtain around my face. Matt brushes my hair out of my face and buries his face into my neck, his hot, moist breath on my sensitive flesh, coming out in small ragged pants. My left hand trails down his chest to grab the hem of his striped shirt. I tug it up over his head and then marvel at the naked skin laid in front of me. My hands trace from his neck down his pectorals, cold palms brushing over his nipples and then further down, tracing the lines of his hips. His chest is heaving, rising and falling as he watches me in anticipation. My eyes flick up to meet his (he has removed his goggles by now).

"Mel…" he whines and tugs at my leather vest but I still his hands.

"Wait…" I tell him, again not ordering but asking. He complies. My lips trail the path my hands previously took over his torso. My tongue lashes out so the tip flicks at his left nipple, earning an erotic hiss from Matt. I continue to swirl my tongue around the hardened nub teasingly before drawing it into my mouth. Matt moans almost silently, the voice caught deep within his throat and the sound sends a throb to my arousal - a rush of blood leaving my brain to harden me further. I have never been so turned on without being touched before. The room feels hot, sweltering even as I finally comply to Matt's tugging, desperate hands and unzip my leather vest, peeling it from my body and leaving us both topless. I hover over him, hands either side of his head holding me up as I lean down to kiss him again. This kiss is much more desperate, less gently but still needy and sweet. Tongues rub smoothly over each other, hot flesh against hot flesh. Our lips part with a wet sound and cold air hits my wet lips, chilling them. I lower myself onto Matt hips against hips, chest against chest and leather encased erection against denim encased erection. Luckily Matt had removed his gloves earlier whilst on the computer so when he grasps my shoulder blades, hanging onto me, I can feel his soft palms against me. The feel of his skin against mine makes me groan and instinctively thrust my hips into his. He whimpers from the contact and arches his back, rubbing his erection into mine and feeling electricity fly through our bodies. Our lips meet again in frenzy as we continue to speed up our thrusts. Matt's tongue devours my mouth hungrily as if my taste was oxygen and he was desperate to breathe. As if I was his life source. He grasps my shoulder blades tighter and kneads the flesh of my back as hand sneaks between us slowly, worming its way until it arrives at the crotch of his jeans. I rub gently over his clothed erection as he presses up into my hand. I loosely outline the shape of his erection and he moans again in satisfaction. Suddenly, he becomes desperate, and his hands trail up and down my back is encouragement. I pull his jeans from his lithe form and then his boxers. As cold air surrounds his manhood he whimpers and that needy noise causes me, in turn, to whimper.

"W…What would you like me to do?" I ask nervously and my voice is hoarse from lust. I am usually so dominant and confident during sex but right now I want to please him. Want to _thank_ him. His eyes barely flicker open before closing again.

"Suck me…" he begs without shame. My lips kiss his neck, sucking gently before I trail my tongue down the centre of his chest, down his stomach, dipping into his navel – earning a gasp – and then to his erection. I lick from the base to the tip slowly and Matt whines in frustration and pleasure. I decide that I better not keep him waiting and longer. My tongue laps at the head, tasting the pre-cum gathered there before I take him into my mouth. Immediately my tongue, lips and teeth start into action. Suckling at the head first, hollowing my cheeks before relaxing my throat to take more of him. Consume more of Matt. His moans and breathing becomes so load and erratic that my erection throbs in desire. My right hand wanders down to my crotch to rub myself through tight, sticky, leather trousers. My other hand trails up his chest, pinching his nipple lightly before cupping his face. His hand guides my fingertips into his mouth and the wet heat surrounding them makes me groan around his shaft.

"Mmm," I moan and the vibration sends Matt into spasms.

"Oh…fuck! Mel, stop...fuck!" he moans and I pull away to stare at his flushed face and the wanton in his eyes. It's time. He sucks harder on my fingers, letting his saliva coat them and then I bring them down to his entrance. One finger eases in slightly, my other hand pumping at his erection to keep him relaxed. Usually when Matt and I fuck, I barely prepare him so I know he is ready to take the next finger quickly. When I ease it in he groans in approval but I can tell from his wince that he is in slight pain. He always seems so tight despite the amount of times we have done this. His hands tangle into my hair and yank me up so my lips meet his whilst I pump my fingers inside him. I add the third and quickly twist my fingers around to find that bundle of nerves that drive him wild.

"Fuck! Oh fuck!" he moans so loudly and I smirk at my accomplishment. I continue to rub against that spot at the same speed I am kissing him, ripping whimpers, moans and groans from deep within his throat. "Mello…" he whines and suddenly I need to be inside him. I have ignored my erection for so long it is painful. I rip my leather trousers off and grab a bottle of lubrication from the bedside table. I squeeze some onto my burning erection and his as the cold liquid makes contact. I lift his thighs up and he wraps his legs instinctively around my waist and his hands claw at my back. I press into him slowly and feel him tense up then relax. I hiss as his tightness encases me, setting my on fire. It feels so **good**. I try to hold back but Matt is arching up against me, encouraging me to move. I pull out of him until only the tip remains inside and then sink back into the inviting warmth. I grunt at the sensation and Matt gasps in approval. His pupils are dilated and his mouth slack in ecstasy. The sight is so beautiful I almost come right then. I crash my lips to his; sucking at his neck as his hands rub my biceps and my back. I continuously thrust inside him as I feel orgasm draw nearer and nearer. Tingles shooting up my spine and back down to my groin. I rub my thumb over Matt's weeping head before pumping his erection. He cries out in pleasure and tightens around me. Three more pumps and he flies over the edge. Screaming my name and clamping so tight around me that my orgasm is ripped out of me. I continue to stroke him as his body spasms till the end. Long groans tumble from my lips as I force myself to keep my eyes open and watch his face in bliss. When the aftershocks of our orgasms start to wear off, I collapse on top of him and bury my face into his sweaty neck. For ten minutes or so, we lie in comfortable silence, our breathing the only sound in the room.

"Thank you," I whisper when I manage to get my breath back.

"You're welcome," he replies so quietly I can almost not hear him. I want to thank him more, not just for what he has done today but for what he has done for months – no, years. He always has believed in me, watched out for me, cared for me. I want to somehow give something back but I am scared. Terrified. Terrified of what? I don't know.

"Mel?" he asks gently, he obviously can sense my fear.

"You should be number one you know. Not me or Near; you. You do it with so much ease; you really don't know how great you are, do you?" I reply. I am not speaking the truth and he knows this. It is true that Matt does everything with such ease but as I said before, he does not have the passion to be number one. He doesn't have the motivation. Yet I know Matt and he knows me. He knows that for me to say something like that…it means I care. It means I want to make him happy. I would never usually admit someone is better than me. He smiles and reveals his pearly teeth. God, I love those teeth. Tears well up in his eyes but he manages to hold them back.

"You don't mean that...but thank you," he replies happily and pecks me on the lips. I let him fall asleep in my arms. In the morning he wakes up expecting me to be gone. His eyes open to meet mine staring into his. His eyes widen and then he recognises that my arms are wrapped protectively around him. He smiles and I fucking hate to sound corny but… that smile could sink a thousand ships.

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_**Woohoo! A long chapter and one I am quite proud of! What did you all think? Nice enough for you? Please review!! **_


	5. Chapter 4

Hey fellow fans

_**Hey fellow fans! All of your reviews have been so amazing and I seriously love the feedback. I get a sense of which bits you like and which you don't etc. I really do love them. The only way I could love all of you WONDERFUL people more? Well, that would be if you review this chapter too ;) **_

_**Oh and Rin Cho – This does actually have a plot but mainly it is really just angst and drabbles. **_

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_Bleep-bleep! Bleep! _I turn slowly to face the source of the infuriating sound; Matt. Well technically, it is Matt's game console but Matt is the one who is causing it to make those sounds. He is topless still, sitting on the semen and sweat stained bed.

"Matty dearest?" I say sarcastically.

"Uh?" he grunts in reply, too absorbed in the game and exhaustion to note my sarcasm.

"Could you do me a big, big, big favour?" I continue to mock yet he still does not take notice of what I am actually saying.

"Uh…" again I receive a grunt. All I seem to hear from him now-a-days is groans and grunts. I smirk slightly at the thought. The past few days have been…unusual to say the least. Matt and I have actually _got on_. We have both refrained from insulting the other unless it is during banter and we both have been…well, for the lack of a better word, **affectionate**.

"Get off that fucking game and watch the video screen already!" I snap tossing a pillow at him. He looks up at me in surprise.

"Alright, alright, no need to get your knickers in a twist. Are you on your period?" he replies with a cheeky smile. Annoyance flashes through me and my mind races to think of a good reply but Matt stands up and stretches and suddenly I am distracted. He pulls his arms high over his head and whines slightly as he reaches as high as he can. My eyes follow the rise and fall of his chest and then rest on his ass which is just peeking out of his low hung jeans. He then stumbles over to the puke green sofa I am sitting on and flops down next to me, concentrating on the screen where Near's form sits playing with toys.

"Does that albino freak do nothing but play with toys?" I asked drearily shortly after he has sat down. Matt leans over my shoulder to see what is on my screen.

"Hey! We are both watching the same thing! If you were already watching Near, why do I have to too?" he asks indignantly and looks longing over to his play station. He was right, we were both watching the same thing and I was fully aware of that fact.

"Yeah but this way I get a better view, now bend over you little whore," I laugh and he grins madly before standing up and proceeding to temptingly bend over right in front of me whilst laughing madly. I can't help but laugh at the stupidity of the situation and slap his ass. "Come here you freak," I say in an endearing manner and pull backwards by his hips until he falls into my lap. He leans back, resting his back against my chest and his head against mine. In a natural manner I sling an arm around his stomach, holding him there. We sit there comfortably and watch the screen for a few minutes. As per usual my mind wonders. When you have one of the greatest, fastest, most agile minds in the world, it is hard for you never to ponder on something. Calculations and deductions always fly through my head but right now I am focussing on something much different: myself. My rosary hangs heavily around my neck as I think back to my days as a Mafia member. Murder, blood, murder, hate, murder, evil, murder, money and, of course, sin. Self loathing fills my heart and for once I am glad for the hideous scars. I am glad that I have been punished for my evil. It might help me forgive myself for all that I did. I was meant to be L's successor. L is justice. Yet nothing – _nothing_ – I have done seems to be justice. I unconsciously find myself pulling Matt tighter to me, burying my face in his hair, engulfing the smoky, musky scent. Matt is so perfect. So calm, controlled and just **good**. What does he want from me? What does he see in me? Why does he love me when I am so tainted? I voice this to Matt through a thick voice and he looks at me, sensing the tears I am trying so desperately to hold back.

"Because I'm Matt. Mello's Matt. So stop being a stupid fucker and go back to your cocky self please," Matt says reassuringly but it doesn't. I open my mouth to speak then shut it again. Emotions are **not** meant to be talked about. Matt seems somewhat saddened now too. He slides off me and sits next to me so our legs are brushing against each other's. I am glad. Suddenly our closeness seemed threatening.

"But you're Mail too," I reply in a frustrated tone as I try to remind him once again that he is his own person too. He used to be his own person, even when we were completely best friends. Only recently has he become my pet, only since we left Whammy's.

"…Hey, can guess what I found this morning?" he asks after opting to ignore my statement.

"What?" I reply feebly.

"Our 'Kill List'," he replies and pulls a crumpled, yellow piece of paper from his pocket. 'The Kill List'. God, I can't believe I forgot that over the years. I let out a small reminiscent smile as I read the names. When Matt and I were in Whammy's and got into arguments or became rivals with someone, we would write their name on the Kill List. We never took it seriously but it was just a way for us to share enemies.

"Ha! Why was Jeffrey Cunnings on here?" I asked in amusement, suddenly taken back to our childhood days.

"Ah that little bastard Jeffrey; he and I were good friends but then he stole some video games off me. We swore revenge on him," Matt says with a wistful smile. I scan the rest of the list. All the names were people I disliked, not people who Matt disliked. Frustration boiled up inside of me again. Did he even have his own personality? I tensed and fidgeted around and Matt suddenly exploded.

"What?! What are you trying to hold in? Tell me for fuck sake! Stop skirting around it with snide comments and tell me what is on your mind!" he yelled. Matt always knows how to get me to talk.

"Okay, you want to know? I'll tell you: you act like you are my fucking puppy. Like all you have in your life is me! It is depressing Matt! I am a fucked up piece of shit and you are obsessed with me, can't you get your own life?!" I replied in fury. I was hoping that my added insult on the end would throw him off slightly but as usual Matt managed to see right through me and get to the core of what I meant.

"What if all my life was about you Mel? Why would that be so bad? I love you, you know that. Surely your life being with the person you love is a good thing!" he replies and looks blankly at my face, scrutinising me.

"Well you are a sad little fucker then. You are acting like Misa Amane, not a Whammy kid!" I retort cruelly. I hate feeling like I am being analysed.

"No, don't try that with me Mihael. Don't try that 'you're not complex' shit, I know you too well. Tell me the real reason!" he continues and I curse him for being able to read me like a book. I was meant to be complex but in front of Matt I felt like a little dumb kid sometimes. I huff and go to stand up but he yanks me back down by my belt. "For once be fucking brave and tell me! For once speak your freaking feelings Mello! You know I love you, you know I am not going anywhere, you have nothing to lose so speak!" he demands and I feel as if I am being cornered. My heart and body scream at me to speak. To say what I have been holding in for so long – too long. Yet that logical part of my brain reminds me that it is not safe and if I open up that much I could be burnt.

"The real fucking reason? That is the real reason Matt! You may love me but have I ever said it in return?!" I lash out. My heart and body cry and scream in agony as I watch his face fall. **Lies**. _**Lies**_. _**Lies**_. I am not being honest, I just panicked. That isn't the reason; he is right. It is true I never have told him that I love him (those three words he is so desperate to hear) but I never have said I don't. I stand, watching him with a look of anger on my face whilst inside I am desperate to reach out to him and hold him. I am desperate to tell him over and over again that I love him. I wait for his reaction but I am still not prepared for it when it comes.

"You're either a coward or have no heart. Most people think you have no heart; that there was just a gaping black hole where your heart is meant to be. I always ignored them; always thought I could see an inner softness under your icy, cool exterior. Which is it Mihael? I am not so sure anymore…" he said in an emotionless tone but tears were streaming from his eyes, running down his cheeks and splashing onto his chest. Hot tears pricked the back of my eyes at his words. My hands shook as I ran them through my hair. _Why am I such a coward? Why can't I just say those three words? Why do I strive so hard to be heartless?!_ Yet, as usual, I plastered on my uncaring bastard façade.

"Does it matter? You'd let me fuck you either way," I replied and inwardly cringed at how cruel those words were. The tears had managed to be restrained successfully now.

"You're right…I would," Matt said between gulping in air and dry sobs. That did it. That broke right past the barriers I had put up. That managed to tear down years' worth of walls.

I collapsed to the floor, my head in my hands and sobbed. I sobbed until all I could hear were my gasps and cries filling the room.

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_**A much sadder chapter huh? Well I had to do it sorry! Please don't kill me! It is necessary. But please have hope, I promise it gets nicer. As you can tell, Mello loves Matt, we just have to wait for him to tell him! **_

_**Review xxx**_


	6. Chapter 5

If anyone has been watching the scene as it played out between Matt and I, they would have been able to feel the emotion and feel the devastation that was coursing between us

_**Hello all of my beautiful readers. It has been way too long and I apologise. Firstly, I would like to point out that I am very proud of this chapter so I hope hope hope it makes up for the ridiculously long wait. Secondly I want to thank all of you for your unbelievably brilliant support following my author's note. You are all wonderful people and the only way you could make me happier is by reviewing :D. Here you are:**_

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If anyone has been watching the scene as it played out between Matt and I, they would have been able to feel the emotion and feel the devastation that was coursing between us. The surely would have been able to sense the electricity of a deep connection flowing from him to me. They would have been able to understand _that_. Yet never would they have been able to understand why I was keeping myself in this misery; why I was choosing to howl like a dying animal on the floor, my heart convulsing in my chest instead of admitting to the beautiful boy in front of me that I loved him. _'Perhaps he is in denial about being homosexual?' 'Perhaps the red-head broke his heart and is untrustworthy?'_ I bet those would be the thoughts of any onlookers. I bet that they would be their unsatisfactory explanations. No one would have ever guessed (or even understood or comprehended) the real reason why I was trapping myself in this misery. It was a ridiculous sight really; a young blonde boy with grotesque scars covering half of his face sobbing uncontrollably whilst a heart-broken, half naked red head stood watching him. Yet it was honest and it was raw and for once, it wasn't 'Mello' and 'Matt' putting on uncaring facades.

"Matt…Matt…Matt!" I voice through gritted teeth and sobs. My chant is not answered by Matt, nor does it need to be. We both know that I am talking to myself. Usually, by now, Matt would be down on the floor, crouching next to me in an attempt to hush my sobs. He hates seeing me in pain. I am glad that he doesn't and I quickly grasp at my crucifix for a second or two and pray for him not to comfort me like usual. I want this moment to last; I want to perhaps find the courage to talk this through properly.

"I can love a coward…but I don't know for how much longer I can love a heartless bastard Mello. It's killing me…" Matt whispers and then casts his head down to the left as if he is ashamed with himself. I let my head drop again and he falls from my vision. My choppy, messy hair falls around my face like a curtain so all I can see is the drab floor and my own legs. Tears are rushing out of my eyes and leaving wet pools on my face. I bring my arm up to wipe away the mess. I sniff loudly and inelegantly, preparing myself. I am scared.

"I'm so sorry Matt, I'm…I'm so sorry. I'm _killing_ you," I ramble. I had been prepared to make some sense but any logic in my mind disappears and I gush out apologies and sorrows. Matt senses the mess I am in and puts a steadying hand on my head. The room is still hot, stuffy and musky but his hand are shaking and I am pretty sure that I see goose-bumps on his skin. Even his small, pink nipples have hardened visibly.

"I need the truth…and you know you need to tell me it for yourself too," he says slowly, as if each word has just popped into his mind but it still seems firm. I nod miserably and my hair blocks him from my view again. I shake my head in annoyance and bring myself to look up into his face. I almost flinch at how vulnerable I am. I don't want him seeing deep inside me – it is dangerous – yet I refuse to look away. Inside my head I picture layers of walls and false faces being peeled off me like off an onion and somehow I know Matt sees this too. He looks relieved yet anxious. He really does suspect me of being heartless.

"You're right. I should have told you all of this so long ago. I can't believe you have stood for all of this shit – all of _my_ shit – for so long. You deserve better than me. I'm a murderer…I'm a sinner…I've got blood all over my fucking hands and I have done things even uglier than this scar!" I jab a finger towards my burnt face and shoulder. Words are rushing out much faster than I had planned. Suddenly what for years had seemed so impossible to say out loud has become impossible to hold in. I want to say more and want to reveal more. I do. "I've paid much more attention to winning than to actual justice and avenging L. L! My hero and I haven't even been able to patch things up with that fucking albino kid in order to avenge him. I've been cruel to you and I've let you think you're being used. I've let you think you are nothing but a pet to me, nothing more than a slave!" I'm speaking much louder and the tears have ebbed away. Matt's goose-bumps seem to be disappearing and he is nodding at me to let me know he is listening and taking it in. "And I _**am**_ a coward! Such a fucking coward. I'm too scared from my fucking 'damaged little childhood' to trust anyone," I gasp for breath and pant for a bit. Matt sees me opening my mouth to continue and quickly interrupts by grabbing my shoulders. I look at him for a matter of seconds before I start talking again. "I'm sorry, you don't want to hear this shit…" I start.

"No, Mihael, I do. I do want to hear this. This is all I've wanted for bloody ages. To hear you voice what I know has been going on inside your head. I waited for this for so long…I had even started to think that maybe I was wrong and you didn't even really feel _any_ of this. But you do…don't you?" Matt interjects and there is a happy and desperate tone to his voice.

"I do. You….You knew? You knew I felt like this?" I ask in disbelief.

"Of course I knew. I love you," he explains. I cannot describe the feelings bursting through my chest and through my body. Suddenly a large rush of blood is sent towards my heart and then down towards my groin. My want for Matt is…indescribable. I want his flesh and his skin and his moans of pleasure. I want to be inside him and for him to be inside of me.

"I'm so sorry I never told you. I was so scared…" I say and new tears spring to my eyes although I barely notice them as the throbbing in my groin is becoming all I can feel.

"Told me what?" he coaxes.

"That I love you!" I suddenly yell and I have climbed back up to my feet and grabbed Matt's shoulders; pulling him to me in an embrace. My lips search his and I lay firm kisses all over his face. "I love you, I love you, I love you" I repeat over and over. It is so out of character I am almost in shock and I can see that Matt is. However, this shock does not hang on my mind for long as all I can think about it Matt's skin and Matt's heart and just **Matt**. "I've loved you for so long," I'm murmuring into his lips. He is responding to everything I throw at him with equal vigour.

"I need you," he finally articulates between confessions of love and gentle whimper. The room's heat has increased ten-fold. Already I feel the slippery signs of sweat on mine and Matt's bodies. His long gangly arms are wrapped around my neck and shoulders; hands grabbing at the flesh on my back in a slightly painful way. Matt's legs lift occasionally to wrap around my waist and push our clothed erections together more firmly. My left arm in wrapped around the small of his back and I hold him so close that there is no room or air between us. The small visible strip of my stomach showing beneath my leather vest is slipping against his naked, toned stomach. My right hand comes to cup his face and crash his lips even more securely against mine. I feel the soft (and still slightly pudgy from teen years) flesh of his face under my hot hand and somehow it fuels my passion and my love. He trails his tongue to my jaw and where air hits the trail of his sweet saliva on my skin, I feel a chill. Our stomachs are making are slapping sound as we buck our hips against each other.

"Ugh…baby," Matt complains in a barely audible tone in complaint of the restricting clothing. I always assumed that endearing terms such as 'baby' would make me want to puke but its effect is quite the opposite. I feel an overwhelming desire to please Matt. I pull away from him with difficulty as his long limbs are tangled completely around my body. As soon as my hands have access to his jeans, they rip at the zip (surely breaking it) and shove my hands underneath them, underneath the thin material of his tight underwear and yank them down. He kicks his legs to help me remove the offensive article of clothing and let's out a little laugh. His length is semi-erect and I run my fingers over his hips, through his freshly trimmed pubes and grasp his manhood in my hand. A few strokes are all it takes and he is fully erect – straining even. I choose to ignore his shaft and instead gently grip his sack, massaging gently, fingers tickling. He lets out a pleased sigh of hot air and our lips meet again. Matt's mouth trails somewhat sloppily towards my ear and sucks on the lobe- he knows this drives me crazy. My left arm slips from the small of his back and my hand gropes at the soft, warm, smooth globes of his ass. I feel his teeth graze the lobe and then his tongue sooth the shell of my ear.

"Ugh! Ngh…" I moan out and my other hand stop teasing his over-sensitive sack in order to grasp his ass more firmly and lift him up. Matt knows what to do- he wraps his legs around my waist and I giggles. I am nearly 100 percent sure he is giggling at the fact that yet again I am the one to pick _him_ up despite the fact that he is a good two inches taller than me. However, it doesn't take him long to stop seeing the humour in the situation as his straining erection is left devoid of attention. His own hand goes to wrap around it and he starts to jerk himself off. The little gasps of air he lets out are enough to draw pre-come out of my swollen manhood and I slam his back onto the softness of the bed. His legs wrapped around my waist drag me down on top of him and our hips align, his hand trapped between us. He twists his hand so his palm is now facing the leather of my too tight trousers. He rubs back and forth quickly, building up a friction in a matter of seconds and I growl into his ear;

"Take. Them. Off."

"Oh god," he whimpers in return as my authoritive tone kicks in. My dominating attitude in bed was one thing he always loved. He definitely is a bit of a masochist. His hands fumble at the fastening of my trousers.

"Faster." I am whimpering now, too desperate for his touch to hold a commanding tone. His fingers dig into my hip and he flips us over so he is on top. He is surprisingly quick at undoing my trousers although we both falter and struggle and the tightness of them and the sweat of my body make them hard to remove. When they are finally removed I pull my vest off and even my rosary is chucked carelessly across the room. We both pause at the same time.

"I love you," I say in admiration of his body.

"You're beautiful" he whispers almost simultaneously. Identical smiles grace both of our faces and as he kisses me, I can still feel his grin. Our bodies are finally pressed together; lips against lips kissing with bruising force, chests against chests slick with sweat and hard, throbbing length against hard, throbbing length. Gentle moves of our hips cause the entirety of our lengths to rub against each other; his thick underside against the swollen glands of my manhood's head. My hands delve into the soft flesh of his ass harder and I flip us back over so he is pinned below me, my hair framing our faces. His hands tangle in my hair in pleasure and he pants into my mouth, whines escaping his throat occasionally. I angle my hips and thrust slowly but repeatedly so our lengths rub against each other, the tip of my penis catching against his frenulum – the sweet spot where his head meets his shaft. Each time is catches his hips jerk in reaction and he starts groaning with every movement. I notice rather suddenly that despite the beads of sweat running from his temples and the steaming heat of my body, his nipples are still incredibly erect and crying out for attention. I smirk before bringing one hand up to roll and play with his nipples whilst the other still holds me up, hovering above him. I notice his breathing becoming erratic and I feel silky wetness seep onto my own penis from Matt's leaking tip. Matt is painfully close to orgasm. My own manhood is becoming excruciatingly hard and is screaming for pressure to encircle it. These teasing strokes are becoming torture and my hand almost creeps down to grasp both of our lengths but I restrain myself – It'll be even better if I wait. However, Matt is beyond the point of return, grasping my biceps and sucking on my neck whilst letting out manly groans that are driving me insane. He moves his hips back up against mine so our lengths squash flat against each others and then he is coming. Eyes screwed shut tightly and my name on his lips. I still refuse to jerk us off and instead rely on the teasing strokes of heated flesh against heated flesh and my insistent tugging on his nipples to make his orgasm intense. And it clearly is. He is gasping and lying limp with milky semen covering his stomach and my manhood. I lean down to lick up the little pool of his white fluid that has gathered in his belly button. He groans in delight – Matt loves anything dirty. I give him a chaste kiss where a small amount of his fluid finds its way into his mouth and he gulps it down greedily. I give him a grin that would beat the Cheshire cat's smile and all he can do in return is hook his arm under his knee as he pulls his leg up, exposing his small pink opening. I worm my way back down so I am lying on the foot of the bed, my legs hanging over the edge and my erection rubbing against the covers. My hands steady the back of his leg so I still have access to his most intimate place. It doesn't take me long before my tongue is encircling him, occasionally withdrawing to nip at the firm globes of his buttocks. The sounds that escape him are truly thrilling and I am sure I am leaving a wet patch on the covers from my leaking pre-come. I retract and search hurriedly through our bedside draw to find the bottle of lube. When I find it I smile and then turn back to face my love. My jaw drops at the sight and I nearly drop the lubrication. Matt's cheeks are red and beads of sweat are gathering on his neck. His red hair is matted in places and stuck to his face in a manner that is so extremely erotic, I nearly come right there and then. His hands have travelled down his body; one tugging at a hardened nipple and the other stroking his recently returned erection.

"Look at me," I whisper hoarsely and he smiles contentedly at me. His eyes rake my body and I see his penis visibly twitched at the new rush of arousal.

"I love you, please… I need you inside me," he begs and lifts his leg up higher. I don't need to be asked twice; I practically pounce on him, my lips battling against his again and my hand lubes up my manhood and gently applies a generous amount to his tight opening. I line myself up against his entrance and watch his face as I press into him. His ring of muscle allows me in almost instantaneously; his body accepting the intrusion. My jaw falls slack at the tingling sensations running up through my core. We both moan in unison. I finally feel my sack resting against his soft ass and know I am in as deep as I can go; it feels like I have been lost inside of him. My eyes fall shut as I enjoy the sucking sensation and the intense heat. I am a gasping mess and Matt's head starts tossing from side to side as I move inside of him. I know I am not going to last too long with the extra arousal of his moans and groans so I expertly aim my thrusts to hit the bundle of nerves that will send of explosions inside of him. I hit his prostate head on and Matt screams, not even attempting to hold back. His hands grab my thighs, encouraging me to move faster and suddenly I am pounding away, unable to stop and unwilling to. My hand gently removes Matt's from his manhood and I, in turn, grasp him and start to jerk him off; thumb circling the sensitive tip.

"Mel, oh fuck Mel…I'm gonna…I'm gonna. Mihael!" he slurs his words out between kisses and they cause my stomach muscles to twitch in delight.

"Come for me baby," I whisper in his ear whilst nuzzling it and he obliges. His fluid splatters across him stomach for the second time and his tightening body brings me over the edge violently. "Fuck! Oh fuck…I love you," I cry as my orgasm is torn through my body. All I can feel is bliss, and happiness and **Matt**.

Minutes or hours may have passed but all I know is that I have Matt wrapped in my arms… and he is sleeping… peacefully.

"Matt, please feel happy. From now on I will give you the love you deserve. Please believe me," I whisper into his hair almost silently. My eyes travel to his tranquil face and I find myself praying. _Please God, please don't let me hurt him. _I beg but deep down I know that the prayer will go unanswered, we are Matt and Mello. The situation we are in; the situation L put us in – that justice put us in – will never allow for a happy ending.


	7. Chapter 6 I've returned

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

**WELL**…what can I say? I'm back? I'm sorry? It's been a while *cough* years *cough*? I'm not even sure if any of my original readers will even be reading from this site anymore or if they will remember me or read this. But if you are… thank you so insanely much for your patience. I can't believe I managed to start this up again. I had left it – and writing in general – for good in my head. I didn't like writing as it tends to knock my sleeping habits out of whack (still does apparently seeing as I am posting at 5am) but I stumbled upon this old account by chance the other month and re-read all of my stories. I feel like I have changed and inconceivable amount since and my writing style HAS changed. So, if this is completely different from what I used to be, I don't really know how to change that apart from to say I'm really sorry and I tried to recapture the old essence of this. Matt and Mello and this story called out to me since Christmas and I just had to come back to this story.

This **wasn't** the way I was originally going with this story but I feel that after such a long posting time gap, I had to have a time gap in the story and couldn't carry on from the morning after as I simply am not the same person anymore. However, reading over my reviews I love you all so much and I love this pairing so much I just had to carry on. There is STILL A PLOT.. and STILL more to come. This isn't the ending chapter and things deviate from the real storyline of Matt and Mello's death etc. guys. So please read on!

New readers.. welcome! And if there are any old survivors... comment any questions or ANYTHING you want to know and I will answer in my next update as soon as possible. It's been a long ride guys… and it's been unbelievably emotional. I've been well for a long while now and am studying psychology at university, coming back to this place is extremely nostalgic.

**Love, always… Erika **

xxxxxxxxxx

People say that God is a Divine Comic and, I guess, perhaps he is. After all, if I take a step back from the situation, I guess I do see the humour or, at least, the _ridiculousness _of my situation. But I _can't_ step away from the situation for long because…well…it's _my_ fucking situation and it's intense and ridiculously important and – most of all – because **Matt** is in my situation. And there is _nothing_ fucking funny about people messing with Matt; not even when that person is God. So I _don't_ find it funny that the only conceivable way to take down Kira is to take myself down. And I _don't_ find it funny that the closest I'll be to being number one and taking down Kira will give Near the final puzzle piece to defeat Kira for _good_; be number one for good. And I sure as _fucking_ hell don't find it funny that God gave Matt and me all the time in the world to be miserable and six short, dream-filled weeks to be **happy**. And we _have_ been happy. And not in our usual fucked up sense of happy. I mean real smiles and genuine laughs happy. The type of light heartedness and hopefulness I never really fucking expected to have in my life 'cause, well, I'm Mello and depression and darkness is all I have ever known from my sorry birth to my orphaned upbringing. Well har-de-har God, the plan is final; I'm kidnapping Takada. And I'm going to _die_. And I know (though I've tried to push the knowledge so far back into my subconscious that even Freud himself couldn't pull it out) that there is a chance that Matt – _my_ Matty – is going to die too. I sometimes pretend I wish that I had never told him that I love him; that I wish I had been a true fucking martyr and pushed him away so he'd stay safe. Yet, that's not true. What I _really_ wish, is that we had more time. What I really wish, is that I didn't have to ask the person I love more than anything in this fucked up, reeking cesspit of a world, to die. And his death won't even guarantee victory over Kira. We won't be heroes; that status is saved for Near.

And, despite my tendency to have an aversion to overt signs of emotion, my eyes mist over when Matt bounds back into the apartment clutching some new GTA game like a child with a toy on Christmas. I have to tell him the plan. I have to tell him we have a matter of days left. I have to wipe that shit-eating grin off his face and replace the love in his heart with disgust and fear and hopelessness.

He's fucking beautiful and it has _been_ fucking beautiful. And I've hated myself for being such a fucking _hypocrite_ and turning into one of those insipid people that think love is the answer to all problems. But, I'd be lying through gritted teeth if I said the past six weeks hadn't been the best of my life. Hell, they'd been the scariest too; I'd felt vulnerable, raw and embarrassed as fuck ever since the night I'd told Matt that I loved him. On numerous occasions, I had taken back what happened that night, told Matt that I'd been drunk and just trying to please him to get him off my back, even spat at him one day. He would just run his smooth hands up and down my tensed arms and gently tell me to stop worrying that I'd stepped out there alone and that he was miles ahead of me; that nothing I could do would get rid of him and me admitting that I care too wouldn't change the fact that he wasn't ever going to leave me. But despite the psychologically challenging side of things, in these past six weeks, we had actually been going out to see and breathe and take in the things around us; not just speeding past at 80 miles per hour as we had grown accustomed to. We had spent leisurely days in bed fucking and touching and hell, even cuddling. They'd been a surreal blur of sex, sweet nothings, laughing, planning an actual future and kissing lips.

It takes him the total of 34 seconds before he knows something is wrong. Once he's kicked off his heavy-duty boots, rambled about how videogames were his 'sweet ride of a mistress' and pecked me on the lips, he freezes.

"What?" His voice is laced in panic. "Mello, what?" he pleads with me in a high pitched stress.

"Matty…" I start and tears are rolling down my face. I steel myself – a talent learned in my mafia days. I have to deliver the news firmly and quickly. I have to 'pull the band aid off quickly' but I'm more than aware that even if I pull this one off at the speed of light, it will do more than just sting. "I've got a plan. I've got to do it. It's the only thing to do. You're not going to like it and I don't like it… fuck, baby, I hate it". I let out an emotional sob- so much for firmly and quickly. "I fucking hate it and I _hate_ what I'm asking of _you_". His hands are shaking as he lights a cigarette. He takes a lengthy drag, so long I feel like the whole cigarette may burn down to the butt.

"…It's me, Mel. I'm your dog, your follower and you're my whole heart. I'm going to do what you ask me... so tell me Mihael; what do we have to do?" he breathes and every word he is speaking is the pure and utter truth. I may as well be ordering him to do this, he would never say no to me. I grab his hands, knocking the cigarette aside carelessly and run my hands up to his face (still slightly pudgy from adolescence) and brush my thumbs across his cheeks and into his mass of hair. I tug him to me and press my lips as tightly to his as I can. It's not an erotic kiss, it's clinging desperately to the happiness and innocence we have had. It's a goodbye to carefree. His lips don't even part, just press back, puckered against mine as his hands find my face. My blue eyes meet his green and we are both crying.

"This week, I'm kidnapping Takada. I'm being Near's pawn. He'll win and she'll find a way to kill me. I need you to drive and be the distraction. I need you to warn of the Japanese police... They'll catch you. It's part of a bigger plan that will catch Kira," I blurt out in a matter of what I can only imagine is milliseconds. I will fill him in on the whole plan later; scrutinise every detail with him.

"I'm going to lose you," his voice cracks in the admission and I'm shocked that he doesn't scream in outrage. I'm shocked that he doesn't try and stop me. He knows. He knows this is the way it has to be. He has known we've been stuck on the Kira case for a long time now and, on some level, we both have known it would come down to a plan like this. He has probably worked out a similar one in his own mind; he's a genius after all.

"Yeah," I sniff and my tears seem unbearably cold as they pour down my cheeks. We both grab each other at the same time, yanking hair to a painful extent and gripping each other's flesh. I rip off his jacket and pull the shoulder of his t-shirt down to rub my cheek against his warm skin for comfort. His skin is wet with my tears in a matter of second. He gently unfists a hand from my hair and trails it down my forearm until our fingers are laced. He leads me, snivelling, to our bedroom and pulls my top off, followed by his. I lie down on my side and pull him as physically close as possible. Our chests stick together and I suck on his shoulder like a teething child. His hands push at the back of my leather trousers until he frees my ass and grips it so tightly it hurts. In a wordless agreement we both undress and press against each other. I wrap the sheet around us, pulling it over our heads to protect us from the looming world and press my cheek against his, my breath tickling his ear as he sucks needily on mine. It is childish really, us hidden in our fortress and despite my hard length being pressed tight against his hot thigh, it is not sexual. We hold each other, crying and tragic, until it is dark. I'm not sure when we fall asleep, but when we do, it's an uneasy sleep filled with dreams of us tangled together as the abyss draws nearer.


End file.
